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In Pursuit of Civility: Avoid the Most Commonly Ignored Everyday Etiquette Guidelines
11/16/2009

Everyone seems to appreciate lists, so why not an everyday etiquette list? In this article I share with you the most commonly ignored etiquette rules, as observed by me, in everyday life.

"What are the most commonly ignored everyday etiquette guidelines?"

People ask me this question often, probably because I have been presenting dining etiquette and workplace etiquette seminars for over a decade now. During this period, I have become an observer of appropriate and inappropriate behavior: at the table, at the workplace, and as I travel through life. I didn't intend to do this. It's not as though I am out there adjudicating the behavior that surrounds me. Instead, I find that the more I present the topic, and the more research I do to prepare for my presentations, the more heightened my etiquette radar becomes.

I will add that my purpose in writing this is not to dictate what others should do. Anyone who has attended one of my seminars knows that this is not my message. I understand that personal behavior is a personal choice. My intent is to help get this information 'out there'. What people do with it is their choice. Ideally, I hope the entire world decides to appreciate the value of appropriate behavior, since I am certain it increase effectiveness, promotes kindness, and enhances everyone's life experience. I am equally certain many will disregard such suggestions.

Still, my peers and I forge on, hoping that the pendulum will swing to create a more courteous world. Courteous in the sense that we are aware of the impact our behavior, actions, and words have upon those in our presence and those in our proximity. My hope is that many will consider the impact of their behavior, actions, and words so that they have a more positive impact on others. Realistically, I hope some will alter their behavior, actions, and words so the impact they have on others is less intrusive and less discourteous. 

Finally, I think this will be fun. Everyone seems to appreciate lists, so why not an etiquette list? Consequently, I share with you the most commonly ignored etiquette rules I observe in everyday life. 

3. Keep dialogue private and language civil:
Dialogue, by definition, is a conversation between interested parties. Consequently, the guideline is to keep such discussions limited to those specific parties ('parties' meaning people). When a dialogue interrupts or otherwise disturbs an uninterested or uninvolved party, it becomes discourteous and rude. There should be no surprise here, or is it no surprise hear (pun intended)? This discourtesy is common, perhaps even rampant, even though many have written it.

The discourteous use of cell phones and PDA's continues in part because of the clear generational issues at play here. Consequently, I do not take the position that ALL text messaging and cell phone conversations should take place in private. That is both naïve and unrealistic. The truth is many people do not find this to be either intrusive or rude when done in a social environment. You know, like when you are chilling at your friend's house and everyone else is doing it. There is no need to alter this behavior if it does not offend, intrude, or interrupt.

What I do suggest is that you review your surroundings before publicly conversing or text messaging. The easiest way to determine when to keep things private is to assess the environment and the demographics. If it is a professional environment, avoid conversing or text messaging in public: it is discourteous to those who are with you. Why attend a meeting if you are not going to listen and participate?  Why personally visit someone's office if your attention is elsewhere? Such action clearly communicates this message, "the people I am with are of secondary importance to those on the other end of this phone call or text message". This is not a message that enhances career success.

The demographic assessment should focus primarily on age. Grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, and elders in general often view public text messaging and phone conversations to be rude and inconsiderate. So look around. If someone nearby could be anyone's grandparent or parent (this courtesy is not limited to your relatives), or is older than you, think twice about being so public. Find a private place and make sure the exchange is heard or by seen the message sender and recipient, only. 

Dialogue, language in particular, should also be civil - not profane or offensive. The dictionary tells us that to be profane is to be disrespectful. Ergo, profanity is the use of disrespectful language. As stated above, review the environment and the demographics before deciding which words to use. Jargon, slang, and curse words may be acceptable to some you are talking with (or within earshot) but perhaps not all. Be aware too that e-mails and text messages become public once you send them. The old adage, "don't write anything you wouldn't want your grandmother to read" holds true even today. Strive to avoid offending anyone with poor language choices.

2. Take turns:
The guideline is simple, we take turns. First in, first out: meaning if someone arrives somewhere at 10:05 and another person arrives at 10:06, the person who arrived at 10:05 should be served, or go, first. Yet we see, literally every day, people who decide that they are entitled to move in front of others.  In my day, we called it 'taking cuts'. My ten-year old calls it 'line budging'. Ironically, ten-year olds know this is inappropriate, yet adults continue to do it.

We see it on the highway, in stores, at the movies, virtually anywhere that people line up. On the highway, you are about to enter a one-lane construction zone. You've read the signs warning you that the lanes merge two-miles ahead. Traffic is moving, albeit slowly, when you slam on your breaks to accommodate someone who decides that they should move to the front of the line - that their travel needs are more important than yours.

You patiently line up to check out at the grocery store. You are third in line, with five people behind you. Suddenly, a clerk opens the lane next to you, asking for the "next in line". You wait a moment, to see if the one person in front of you wants to switch lanes, which they rarely do. Then you make your move, only to be cut-off by the person in the back of the line. Apparently, they felt your courteous moment of hesitation was a declarative statement saying, "I would much rather wait longer than those behind me than accept the kind offer the clerk has extended to those of us who have waited the longest". Their assumption is wrong.

Wait your turn and do not line budge, even when someone hesitates. Do not assume that your needs or priorities are more important than anyone else's; this is pretentious. Also, do not jump in when someone hesitates or moves slowly. Their hearing or physical agility may not be equal to yours, which should motivate kindness, not discourtesy. Just wait your turn. It is still that simple.

1. Keep to the right when walking:
In the United States of America, we keep to the right. We drive on the right-hand side of the road. Similarly, we should walk on the right-hand side of the sidewalk; enter doorways to the right, and use the door to the far right (when given a multiple-door option). The rationale for all these behaviors is simple; we reduce the likelihood of an accident.

I find this to be the most commonly ignored etiquette rule. Regardless of where I walk - in a corporate complex, the mall, a college campus, the airport, or on a city street - I find myself continually navigating around those who ignored this rule. I suspect many of you do too.

You keep to the right while exiting an office building, only to be blindsided by someone darting through the door while keeping to his or her left. Bam!  There goes your briefcase or purse, with nary an "excuse me" to be heard. You scurry along the right half of the walkway at the mall (trying to maximize your shopping effectiveness during lunch hour) only to have your path blocked by a meandering group of social shoppers who keep to their left. You rush through an airport terminal trying to make your connecting flight, only to miss it because some slow walker along with their luggage veered into your path when you tried to pass them. The flow of daily living would be more enjoyable if only we could all remember to keep to the right. 

In closing, remember Manners Matter and Courtesy Counts, even in everyday life.

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